tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8161032336112169452024-02-07T10:58:45.772-08:00Age-inappropriate outfitsA survey of my age-inappropriate outfits, and yours.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.comBlogger204125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-45200569725743150402020-02-08T14:20:00.002-08:002020-02-08T14:24:06.564-08:00Dickies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBrrAS_MVBQVoSa-JpJCxWgtyYXTwpGgGLAfkH87LBIyVVNnVuAkJ4kKbZpjTcsQp8GaK_MTrQZ7KD70z4IgWtmFcP4yVE3XATZFYilPTMGOed78wA0z5vDGnpWZNnmqtbyp6StYM40y4/s1600/IMG_0263.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBrrAS_MVBQVoSa-JpJCxWgtyYXTwpGgGLAfkH87LBIyVVNnVuAkJ4kKbZpjTcsQp8GaK_MTrQZ7KD70z4IgWtmFcP4yVE3XATZFYilPTMGOed78wA0z5vDGnpWZNnmqtbyp6StYM40y4/s320/IMG_0263.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
I think that when one can fit most of one's fingers through one's briefs, it is time for said briefs to be thrown away.<br />
<br />
I bought this pair of Dickies briefs over 15 years ago, at a store near my apartment on 26th Street & Third Avenue in Manhattan. I think I bought two packages of three pairs each, six briefs in all. I believe this is the last pair of those that remains, and this fact saddens me. But that's okay! And no shame on Dickies. Clearly, someone who hangs on to briefs even when the briefs have little left of the qualities that make a piece of fabric into a brief--an item that can nestle, conceal, tease--that person is the one at fault, not the manufacturer of said item.<br />
<br />
Dickies immediately discontinued this style of briefs as soon as I made my purchase, of course, almost as though some representative of theirs was observing me buying it through a two-way mirror and, alarmed that I would now act as a kind of unpaid ambassador for their brief underwear line, shut the whole thing down. Though I believe they still manufacture underwear, Dickies apparently feels there is more of a future for them today in boxer briefs, or the dreaded "Union suit." So my searches on Ebay for a stray, unopened package of these black briefs are frustrating and futile. Who buys Union suits, anyway--too scratchy! The measurements are off, and lead to walking with a slouch! Much less a boxer brief, which envelope and cover the region in question with no mystery...no chance for a stray, errant ball to escape and bob about dumbly...certainly no odd gym-time bulge down a left leg in sweat pants.<br />
<br />
(I remember once walking up Sixth Avenue in Greenwich Village with, I believe, Kristin. Almost as an afterthought, I pulled a single ball out of my zipper and walked along like that for about a block. I then went to Pieces--the bar, silly!--and delighted the patrons there with it. The few people who noticed laughed and laughed, and no one thought to call the police. Or maybe they did? But then, I never stayed long enough at Pieces for the police to arrive. This is one way that getting older and slower has led to more frequent awkward contact with authority figures, but that is to be expected when one is free! Free as a bird, as is Nelly Furtado, and certainly as I am still, to this day).<br />
<br />
I wish that underwear made by Calvin Klein or Tommy Hilfiger called to me in a lazily dirty way as the Dickies brand did. There is no double entendre to be displayed by choosing Papi. The most recent time I had to buy briefs, I went to Target and purchased a pack of their in-house brief brand, Goodfellow. I could at least think, <i>well, maybe someone will think I'm not referring to </i>myself <i>as the fellow, but something else entirely... </i>I cut corners with my double entendres these days. I want to reveal myself in briefs to someone who can at least meet the double entendre halfway, who can at least provide one damned entendre! I don't think I'll find such a someone in Nashville. (Certainly not with Dave, who I recently released of my own accord and who then twisted around in mid-air and released me, too, which I was proud of him for doing, even though it still stings a little. I have aged out, as they say, of certain relationships, even though the youth apparently still have yet to understand that).<br />
<br />
Anyway. As many people know, I would rather cull an item than collect one, even a lover, and these briefs are now culled. I'll work on the rest of my garments over the next few weeks, and then hopefully I will board a plane, fall asleep, and open my eyes and find myself in Queens, with merely a box, a bag, and a backpack to show for my life. That is my plan. I don't know how decisions about what to discontinue and what to continue are made, but then again, if no one ever tells you, how are you supposed to know?<br />
<br />
<br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-85630951222232081522019-03-18T14:51:00.002-07:002019-03-18T15:04:22.120-07:00Here and Now<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb-uYudzS5MZcZNx7Abym9fbyVvpBmAZR5Jyq0WRhcaAxrOlyhfjPpYpzfa7Kp65f7zttNXQKBA_OoZGIdP-M2ICiiL3JPxvNGjrrEdi7P6uqYmvpe5ZhjwG_mgw2lfLrm_R-tTMfaCbw/s1600/Screen+Shot+2019-03-18+at+4.49.07+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="404" data-original-width="413" height="313" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb-uYudzS5MZcZNx7Abym9fbyVvpBmAZR5Jyq0WRhcaAxrOlyhfjPpYpzfa7Kp65f7zttNXQKBA_OoZGIdP-M2ICiiL3JPxvNGjrrEdi7P6uqYmvpe5ZhjwG_mgw2lfLrm_R-tTMfaCbw/s320/Screen+Shot+2019-03-18+at+4.49.07+PM.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
A recent revelation among the various NPR shows I never miss
these days has been “Here and Now,” a show that I believe is distributed by
American Public Media, and which is not among the best-known or best-loved NPR
shows. That’s truly your loss, because “Here and Now” is not the stodgy old
curmudgeon of a talker that you may assume it is. It is many things to many
different people, and, according to its website, reaches five million listeners
a week on 450 radio stations. To me, it is a fount of “information porn” that
tickles me as I drive to and from the gym or deliver food for Postmates while I
attempt to eke out a meager existence in the surprisingly hardscrabble realm that
is Midtown Nashville. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was a book publicist, it was part of my job to book
my authors onto programs like “Here and Now,” but I rarely actually listened to
the shows myself. I rarely consumed any media at all, other than my own moldering
iPhone playlist, only recently rejuvenated with—wait for it—cuts by Sufjan
Stevens and the Noisettes, among other artists who I really should have heard
of ten years ago. No, I never watched “TODAY” or “Ellen” or “Meet the Press.”
Once I pitched a book that contained newly discovered slave narratives to noted
battleaxe Jackie Levin at the “TODAY” show for Al Roker’s book club, only to
have her respond, “Really, Gregory? For Al Roker’s Book Club FOR KIDS???” I was
mortified by that error on my part, but who cares in the end? Eventually, Al
Roker <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and </i>Jackie Levin will be just a
bunch of dust, like Madonna’s mother in “Truth or Dare”—as will we all. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I am alive today. And “Here and Now” makes me feel
young! Young again! Because surely I am younger than host Robin Young—who has
been around the block, as they say—if not her younger co-host Jeremy Hobson.
But also because sometimes—and I hesitate to even say this—it awakens the part
of myself that I thought time had safely encased in amber. Encased, even, in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">reinforced </i>amber, and of course the part
of myself that I am referring to is my libido. Yes, sometimes when I am
listening to “Here and Now,” it’s not just my brain that’s the active participant
in the equation. Sometimes, a horridly familiar frisson of longing will coil
itself up languorously from my groin, travel up my scoliotic spine, and end up
in my mouth, expressing itself in a dripping rictus of desire. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take today. After leaving the gym, I unsuspectingly turned
on “Here and Now” after leaving the gym, only to hear an interview with one Mr.
Pat Flanagan, who apparently likes butterflies so much he has become an expert
on same, out west there in San Diego. In case you didn’t know it, butterflies
are currently swarming through California on some sort of mysterious migration,
the purpose of which only they themselves are privy to. From what I can gather,
it has become a veritable butterfly reckoning in California, with innocent San
Diegoans accidentally breathing the clouds of creatures in and choking to
death, or people slipping on butterfly wings and falling to their deaths into
Swan Canyon, or butterflies swooping down and stealing the beauty of Sacramento’s
flora, which is rightfully humans’ to enjoy! Or whatever they’re doing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anyway, Pat Flanagan’s voice immediately awoke in me a great,
terrifying desire. To say that he has a sexy voice would be a grave
understatement, and I hope you would have empathized with me as Mr. Flanagan
discussed “painted ladies,” and “inches of rain” on Valentine’s Day, and “wet
weather,” amongst other things, and my body, well, responded. I was taken back
to Los Angeles itself on the day last July that I started driving to Nashville,
and a voice came on the air on “AirTalk With Larry Mantle” that made me want to
check into a hotel and “enjoy myself” immediately. It was some expert on some
topic—I don’t even remember what, now. And I know, I know, if I were to have googled
the face that the voice belonged to, my desire would have immediately been quashed.
But that is the secret behind NPR’s vise grip on my fantasy life. It is only a
fantasy, and no one on the radio is good-looking in real life. Except in a
lopsided-facial-features kind of way like Ari Shapiro, who will always be forever
“filling in” for someone, ad infinitum, forever. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today, after much meaningless banter, young Jeremy Hobson stopped
trying to impress listeners with his lazily thought-out lines of questioning,
and finally thanked the great Pat Flanagan for joining the show. There was a
great, pregnant pause—you could almost picture listeners licking their lips in
anticipation—after which Flanagan, ever the inveigler, responded in a dry,
sultry voice: “THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Listen for yourself, if you don’t believe me:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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https://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2019/03/18/butterflies-migration-california<br />
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<!--EndFragment--><br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-68031450613354944922019-03-09T17:09:00.002-08:002019-03-09T17:09:44.277-08:00Scarves
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<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I lost two scarves this winter, but I found one of them last
week. I had apparently left it at Alia’s house, and so of course I immediately lashed
out and accused her of deliberately stealing it from me. She hadn’t, but you
must admit it’s odd for someone to find some article of clothing of their
friend’s at their house, but not let the friend know. I had to come upon it by
accident in her living room, for chrissakes.</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEFxDQVLoEwp0g2uEtIQCeMeo2OYYHklMqaB7aCk-85CjX0kiQ6F6RLC1bSLBL01w-VmdzVXj-i2uFvxdGqhi-G3yHLNdvjrUtoAvI8DYh6VGf4QQQYXQHuYdazGe9MQDdkWxfM-1zbvE/s1600/IMG_0465.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEFxDQVLoEwp0g2uEtIQCeMeo2OYYHklMqaB7aCk-85CjX0kiQ6F6RLC1bSLBL01w-VmdzVXj-i2uFvxdGqhi-G3yHLNdvjrUtoAvI8DYh6VGf4QQQYXQHuYdazGe9MQDdkWxfM-1zbvE/s320/IMG_0465.JPG" width="240" /></a>I find it a little bit odd to lose things like scarves.
Since leaving New York and moving first to Los Angeles and then to Nashville, I
have lost many items—wallets, iPhones, keys, hats, scarves. I suppose I left
them in bars or in cabs, and probably when I was more than a little drunk—it takes
some effort to leave behind a scarf when it’s cold, or an iPhone when one is
usually glued to one’s iPhone. Only once in my life—and this was way before I moved—have
I suspected that a scarf had been actually stolen from me, and I don’t remember
why I suspected that. I think it may have been because it was in my apartment
before a random trick came over, and then after that, I couldn’t find it. It
was beautiful—red and blue and white, and I vividly remember getting it at the
Warehouse Sale and putting it on my desk at work at Harcourt, where Andrea saw
it and complimented me on it, and I blushed and said, “tee-hee!” because of my
odd crush on her. Now it’s gone. I still feel the loss of that scarf. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I still feel the loss of Harcourt, too. That was my favorite
job ever, with my craziest boss ever, Jennifer. When I first started working
for her, in 2005, I was trying a new persona on: Normal Gregory—newly and
secretly sober from alcohol and trying to fit in in an office setting, instead
of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> fitting in—at Sotheby’s,
Lehman Brothers, Worm Capital, Capital Z, and MultiPlan, for example—where I was
the weird secretary who just didn’t know his place. Jennifer seemed unsatisfied
with Normal Gregory, or perhaps she saw through him, because she coaxed Crazy
Gregory (Normal Gregory) out of his hiding place—nay, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">demanded </i>his presence—until finally it was Crazy Gregory working
there in all his glory, and not at all the Gregory I had intended to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I got a cat around this time. His name was the Colonel, and
it took him a looooong time to get used to me. I used to walk the three blocks from
my apartment to Harcourt trying to hold my head up high, my hands bloodied from
scratches from the Colonel. All I wanted was to pet that cat, but clearly the
Colonel felt that that wasn’t meant to be. When Jennifer found out I had a cat,
she immediately found it necessary to disparage <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all</i> cats—cats everywhere!—as disgusting creatures, which confused
me. Then she revealed that she was allergic to cats, which I guess sort of
excuses it. I was quick to inform her that I, too, was allergic to cats, and that
when I first got the Colonel, it was as though I had put on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a scarf made of flames!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How did I do it back then? Be sober, I mean. I was sober all
throughout my time at Harcourt, then all throughout my time at Houghton Mifflin
Harcourt, after the merger, and then well into my tenure at HarperCollins. I
had been sober for six years when I finally drank again. I didn’t realize it at
the time, but my sobriety then coincided with a gradual uptick in a grand, white-hot
rage inside me that got fiercer and hotter the longer I remained sober. I would
go to my AA meetings and share and help people and tell my story at detoxes and
prisons—but all the while I was seething inside, without even knowing it. I
didn’t know how to identify the feeling of anger, and finally the great, unseen
anger within me turned inward, and became a depression unlike anything I’d
experienced up until then. I had a crazy thought, then—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I don’t know how to recover from this depression, but I know how to
recover from alcoholism</i>. So I drank. But then the depression changed shape
again, and went to the complete opposite end of some sort of spectrum within me,
becoming a horrible panic of a high that I experienced as a furnace-like heat
within my chest, all the time. I was vibrating with a fight-or-flight terror for
weeks, and then I went to a psychiatrist. She gave me a word for what I was
feeling—bipolar disorder—and then at least I could search with her for the medication
or medications that would give me some relief from it. (And I’ve since come to
the conclusion that I’m bipolar in the same way that most people are bipolar). <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Many people know that I just got sober again. Although I’m
not feeling angry right now, I know that I must carefully monitor my feelings
and become alert to any hint of the anger I felt before. I know what it feels
like now. I know, it probably would surprise my friends to know how angry I can
become. When I am Angry Gregory, I get banned for life from things—as I now am
banned for life from Uber, from Hertz car rental, from the Beverly Center. If I
allow my anger to take over my life, I might drink again, and I mustn’t drink. I
simply mustn’t. Tonight, when I get in my little car and motor down West End
Avenue at night with the window open, freezing and smoking cigarettes, the
Oxcarbazepine I take twice a day courses through my bloodstream like an
electrical hum, steadies my breathing, and protects me from my environment, and
my environment from me. Scarves do that too. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-43648047076426565892019-03-03T11:20:00.000-08:002019-03-04T04:47:11.975-08:00Love<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga8jEMkEnBCvcuLOYhV0tPDMIChIMtV2GNzS6czArOUFqK8t6zul2eXHOUvCJAOprbkQyk6G0XBWUgBVKsO_P_TJEBlJSfGU9B4wLT0arLBi1Gn7Jc2I_gFCPY54Ph4X-o53pL7DvmUpY/s1600/a3a869308c672eb910779151196cd986.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="398" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga8jEMkEnBCvcuLOYhV0tPDMIChIMtV2GNzS6czArOUFqK8t6zul2eXHOUvCJAOprbkQyk6G0XBWUgBVKsO_P_TJEBlJSfGU9B4wLT0arLBi1Gn7Jc2I_gFCPY54Ph4X-o53pL7DvmUpY/s320/a3a869308c672eb910779151196cd986.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">About a week before Valentine’s Day, I texted Dave a message
asking if he would be available that evening to hang. Because I know guys, and
I know what they like, I decided to make my text a little dirty…because no
matter where you are in the world, or whatever has just happened to you or
anyone you love, that’s what guys like. I will spare you the actual text of my ill-advised
text, but I will tell you that, whatever it said, Dave has since been keeping
his own counsel.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am used to this pattern. Since my late 30s, whenever I’ve
expressed interest in a fellow, he has immediately disappeared, sometimes never
to be seen again. Sometimes this happens after the fellow has been pursuing me
but I’ve been cool to him. No matter what the context—if I show a little
interest, the relationship, such as it is, usually goes poof. I remember
relating this troubling fact once to Tommy, a bartender I had a crush on at
Woody’s bar on the Lower East Side. “Yes,” I explained, “in my 20s I dumped
everyone. Now everyone dumps me.” Tommy mused on this for a few seconds, then
replied, “that’s sad,” and moved to another part of the bar—leaving me to think
about whether it really was a good idea to share this with someone I had a
crush on. Still, I spoke the truth. Matty, for example, had recently indicated
to me that we were never boyfriends, that I was just someone he “hung out with.”
Oscar, similarly, said that we never broke up because we were never together.
And the rest? Who knows how they’ve repositioned our affairs in their minds and
histories. Matty, Joshie, Kevin, [name forgotten], Marjan, Oscar, Elias. None
lasted more than four months. The last three of them I wasn’t looking for. In
fact, I’d abandoned the idea of being in love after [name forgotten], who is in
all likelihood dead by now. I feel like Marjan, Oscar, and Elias all tricked me
into considering loving them, by casually making themselves convenient to me
over a period of time, while I innocently went with them to parties or spent
the night, while my inner lovingness slowly and painfully pried itself open to
them, against my wishes and certainly unbeknownst to me. It gives me grim
satisfaction to say that I only fell fully in love with one of them, though,
and that so far, that’s the only time I’ve ever been in love.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t think I texted Dave because I want to love him, or because
Valentine’s Day was nigh. I have never been that emotionally invested in Valentine’s
Day, and to this day, I’ve only ever happened to be dating someone on Valentine’s
Day two times in my life. Joshie and Shawn. For Joshie, I did some reconnaissance
the week before the date, and selected a fancy restaurant that I could afford,
and made a reservation for the two of us. When we got there, I realized that
they had changed the menu just for Valentine’s Day, and that everything was
twice the price I had initially observed. So I spent that Valentine’s Day
dinner in a heightened state of alarm, wondering if my card would be declined
at the end of the dinner. For Shawn, I simply went with him to the Food Bar on
8<sup>th</sup> Avenue, where he unwisely issued me an ultimatum—he would stop
dating me if I didn’t have sex with him that evening. It made me a little wistful
to have to react this way, but I responded by literally waving goodbye to him
and paying the check and leaving.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No, with Dave, I think that, in a best-case scenario, I am
merely bored and wishing to flesh out a minor dalliance with next-level romanticization.
In a worst-case scenario, I am attempting to “groom” a very young man by
alternately giving him attention (which he ignores, but which young people are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">starving </i>for, believe me, and can’t live
without) and ignoring him completely. It’s Dave’s fault. When I text him, he
ignores me, but when he texts me, I feel that because of my advanced age, I must
make myself available and get in the shower and show up. Who knows when the next
sexy time will be for me? I only sent him the dirty text because he had texted
me some personal stuff in our previous text conversation, and I felt that because
he seemed to be warming to me on a personal level, my “grooming” might have taken
root enough that an actual relationship between ourselves had begun. No, my
dirty text showed me that this is the lot a 46-year-old chooses for himself
when the 46-year-old decides to play “Space Invaders” with someone half his
age. I must wait for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">him </i>to summon <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i>, and when I am summoned, I must go.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At outpatient rehab the other evening, I shared with the
group that I am happy. I am. I have felt happy and totally at peace for a couple
of weeks now. As I indicated in rehab, it feels like being in love, but without
the other person there to mess it all up. I wouldn’t have known to ask for this
feeling, even in prayer, because I never knew that it existed. To have gone
from a memory-impaired, throwing-up-blood-regularly, pooping-yellow-poop-type
drunk to being able to identify a feeling of peace within myself, much less
welcome it—is nothing short of a miracle. I used to wake up on Saturday mornings
so hungover and depressed that I would immediately start drinking tequila until
I passed out, so as not to have to be conscious, the weekend stretching out
before me. I would wake up a few hours later and drink some more tequila, and
then again and then again and again, until it was morning on Monday and I would
wake up, throw up blood, and then drive to work, totally insane. Now I usually
am in bed by 7 pm, in love but not needing to share it with a lover, happy. I have
32 days sober. I haven’t thrown up in weeks. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes Paula tells me that what she really wants for me
is for me to find a person to love and to spend my life with, like what she has
found with Luther. While this sort of arrangement would probably make things
like affording an apartment easier, the thought of being in a relationship
fills me with horror. Imagine having to make room for another person in my life,
at this stage? To plug him inside holes in my calendar, or clear the ashtray,
candy, and/or pills from my bed to make room for another person. To be in
winter in New York City, walking beside someone towards my apartment, knowing
that very soon I would be freezing cold and naked—or, even worse, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wet </i>and cold and naked, if I showered—and
that I would have to be, in order to satisfy someone else’s desires. Men have
unlimited horniness, and I don’t like the cold. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This Valentine’s Day, I watched with bemusement as a few of
my friends texted me, “Happy Valentine’s Day!!!” and I tactfully didn’t reveal
my own ambivalence toward the day. What else happened that day? That morning, I
was awoken by a horrible attack of heartburn (my last one to date—yay). Mitch
McConnell announced that Trump would be invoking a state of emergency of some
sort. Dave did not summon me. Lori told me her new dog was named “Gem.” The day
before, I’d received both my first unemployment check (finally) and my first food
stamps (ibid). Alia told me about a dog that had been rescued in the UK
recently who was born with two mouths. She also told me about her latest plan
to torture her own dog—to spray a foul-tasting chemical onto her dog’s paws to
keep him from licking his own feet. So many things happened that day, just as so
many things have happened in my life. So many things have happened to me that, sometimes, even for me
to look back upon my life is exhausting. Still, tonight I am content. Tonight, I
choo-choo-choose peace.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-40546137636574011682019-02-06T13:55:00.000-08:002019-02-06T13:57:07.798-08:00The Desperates<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
There were only three Desperates at
the facility that week. G. arrived a day later than expected because a flight
attendant had seen him bump into a wall at Nashville International Airport
while waiting for his Tuesday flight, and banned him from getting on the plane.
So he got a new ticket and joined the other two Desperates the next day, on a
Wednesday, in an unidentifiable part of Arizona. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdkVmQTsY2n5IOzsSO37oEp-X2qQSvc8ZLR7aMvLpPVyXnVR6azBGJWTvocUdMTeHkx4BUeSYEcpYnHmltO3Fz786aOCMzURskLs6NuMbySQMoUCwYyA_ZBdpul8y2N32o7BoZFx-OAg4/s1600/Screen+Shot+2019-02-06+at+3.35.52+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="474" data-original-width="472" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdkVmQTsY2n5IOzsSO37oEp-X2qQSvc8ZLR7aMvLpPVyXnVR6azBGJWTvocUdMTeHkx4BUeSYEcpYnHmltO3Fz786aOCMzURskLs6NuMbySQMoUCwYyA_ZBdpul8y2N32o7BoZFx-OAg4/s320/Screen+Shot+2019-02-06+at+3.35.52+PM.png" width="318" /></a>At first it was hard for the
Desperates to tell each other apart from the staff of the facility. Everyone
was wearing scrubs, including the Desperates, but of course, unlike with the
staff, all of the Desperates’ belongings had been removed from them, even the
medications they took to make themselves less desperate. No medications, no
phones, no lip balm, no nail clippers, no Alka Seltzer, no books. Certainly, a
laptop was out of the question. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
G. and N. were smokers, and every
day at set hours, they would beg the staff for a cigarette (G.'s and N.'s own personal, confiscated cigarettes, mind you) and a lighter, and
go outside to the designated smoking area and make niceties at each other, but peer
in a desperate way at the world—at least as desperately as they could muster,
as pumped-full of Ativan, gabapentin, and Seroquel as they were. Could they
even be said to be depressed anymore?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
(The third Desperate was so boring
he could only be described as “Z.”)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Every day, an alarming amount of
attendants gave the Desperates pills, took their vitals, laid hands on them in
more indeterminate ways, woke them up in the middle of the night two times to take
their vitals again, and took their mental health and substance abuse histories.
These two categories broke down into many subcategories—family mental health
history, mental health and hospitalization history, history of attitudes
towards religion, eating disorder stats, stats of suicide attempts, history of
treatment, and the rest. All three Desperates were repelled by these queries
into their pasts, which they had hoped so much to escape, and N. developed a
suspiciously rapid-onset case of pneumonia, and lay on the couch during Group,
covered completely with a blanket.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Group involved a very boring, young
(possibly 24), and mildly attractive counselor named Juan, who came in at least
once a day to lead a “group” of the three of them. Juan discussed things like
the emotional mind and the rational mind, and how the two minds might be
synthesized into a third, “wise,” mind. Long prior, G. had longed to have a
crazy life, which of course requires one to make crazy choices. But now, in
this facility, if you were to put a gun to G.’s head and threaten to pull the
trigger, he might eventually and after much soul-searching admit that he wished
that his life were a little <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">less </i>crazy.
During Group, N. lay still with her head covered with the blanket, and could be
of no aid to anyone present. At one point, G. and Z. were instructed by Juan to
write a letter to their disease. G.’s letter discussed how sorry he was that
his disease had led him to this Wednesday evening, in an unidentifiable part of
Arizona, with no phone, no lip balm, no nail clipper, no Alka Seltzer, and no
books. As he read it aloud to the Group, he began to weep softly against his
will. The counselor got really excited and praised his tears, and at that
point, G. tried to hold his head up high, in the face of the praise.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
When there was no Group, there was
nothing to do at the facility but take pills and watch tv and wait to be
prodded by a murkily qualified attendant, so often during the day the
Desperates would congregate in the common area, where everyone but G. would
discuss sports. Everyone had an opinion about college basketball. St. John’s,
Duke, Vanderbilt, et al. After those discussions, Z. would then begin to give
his own opinions on the way that alcohol—that great, blazing set of wings made
of fire—had taken him away from everyone, especially a young niece of his named
Emily, whom he affectionately called “Little Miss.” The blazing wings had
brought him closer to his own life, but then cruelly took him away from
everything. It was his hope that the facility would extinguish the wings and restore
him to sanity and his family’s embrace. “I’m sorry, Little Miss,” he said
helplessly. At times, after Group, the 24-year-old counselor would take Z.
aside and attempt to explain to him some of the basic precepts of living, such
as: what a sponsor is; how to find an AA meeting; how to look for a job; when
to make an amend; how to ignore whatever G. had said during that day’s Group;
how to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">be. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
G. had no interest in AA or the 12
steps. He had tried all of that too many times. He was full of a medication called Campral, which
dulled his cravings for alcohol. His plan for when he was back in Nashville was
to clean his apartment and then attend the outpatient rehab he had selected. He would also look into Narcotics Anonymous meetings, which he was sure would be cooler
than AA meetings, which were full of people who were no fun because they had already had too much fun. He would also practice Transcendental Meditation and
cognitive behavioral therapy; he would go to the gym and do yoga. He would find
a therapist he could trust, and he would drive for Postmates. He chose not to vocalize these plans to the Group, for fear that their potential reactions would trigger a response from his "emotional mind" that would boggle their "rational minds." G., at times, had no chill. </div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
***<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<br />
Two days later, graduated from detox and with his own clothes on, G. made his way to the gate of the
plane that would take him back to Nashville. He didn’t know it, but back at the
facility, N. was dedicating her meditation practice for the day to him. “May G. never embarrass anyone, ever again,” she breathed as a mantra. “Especially not
himself.” At the gate in the airport, a flight attendant greeted G., took his ticket, and
introduced herself as Susan. “I’m Gregory,” he responded shakily. He noticed
that, as soon as she heard his voice, Susan’s gaze narrowed and seemed to bisect, somehow. Half of her gaze sized him up physically, as though
wondering how much force it would take for her to throw him out of the fuselage
in the unlikely event of an ocean crash landing (with survivors). The other half seemed to attempt to size him up morally, assessing the likelihood that his
clothing concealed an explosive. Both halves of her gaze had their own judgements and ugly connotations, of course, he thought as he walked down the jet bridge and boarded
the plane—but neither was without its own kindness.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-32333383903384527222017-11-26T15:30:00.000-08:002017-11-26T15:30:04.369-08:00Denim Jacket<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEIqNZFG_HWWQWb2zFQzuFBUG2I-G07z2QbC60On5fPqQ_dv1Qs8oEzVk4W5dHLkpHa0OPHuoACOiW1RG3jmWfMTr3fgsVzESmu5ZqkJ9h-xiX48Ga5l6SA1EoGBwhbCb3OWScyqSfIe8/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-11-26+at+3.21.45+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="644" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEIqNZFG_HWWQWb2zFQzuFBUG2I-G07z2QbC60On5fPqQ_dv1Qs8oEzVk4W5dHLkpHa0OPHuoACOiW1RG3jmWfMTr3fgsVzESmu5ZqkJ9h-xiX48Ga5l6SA1EoGBwhbCb3OWScyqSfIe8/s320/Screen+Shot+2017-11-26+at+3.21.45+PM.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alice and I went to see the Indigo Girls play a show at the
Ace Hotel in Downtown LA <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a few weeks ago.
I never know which Indigo Girls will be playing at any given show of theirs—the
acoustic duo, or their band, which has consisted, varyingly over the years, of amazing
players like Lisa Germano, Sara Lee, and Gail Ann Dorsey (who famously played
with David Bowie). The Ace Hotel show was just the two of them, Emily Saliers
and Amy Ray, and it was like magic. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Indigo Girls have never really gotten the respect they
so justly deserve. When I was trying to get friends of mine to come with me to
the show, a friend told me “no thank you” in an emphatic sort of way, then
asked me if I was going to sport a denim jacket to see them. I told her rather
cattily that I was going to hire the Indigo Girls to play at her funeral, and that, in addition, I would handle all of the arrangements and make sure she was laid in the coffin wearing all denim. With <i>fringe</i>. Yes,
I understand that the Girls didn’t have a cutting-edge fashion sense when they
first arrived on the scene in the late 80s, but they’ve since evolved
sartorially. Amy in particular. That evening, she was wearing a dark, tailored,
slightly dandyish suit that wouldn’t have been out of place in a Raymond
Chandler story—and Emily wore a classy blouse that, yes, could have been
purchased from a Chico’s. But still. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They opened with “It’s Alright,” a kind of statement of both
resolve and resignation that includes the lyrics “And it's alright if you hate
that way / Hate me 'cause I'm different / You hate me 'cause I'm gay / Truth of
the matter come around one day / It's alright.” They’ve always had their detractors
because they’re gay; but I think the bigger issue for some is that they’re so <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">female</i>. Their persona as a duo is pretty
gendered. They once planned a tour with other female musicians that they
initially planned to call the “Rolling Thunderpussy Revue,” before settling on
the name “Suffragette Sessions.” Their band is primarily composed of other
women, though they do collaborate often with men. They sing songs about
Virginia Woolf, songs that namecheck <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hamlet</i>’s
Ophelia, songs that re-gender classic rock songs like Dire Straits’ “Romeo and
Juliet.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What are your favorite memories of the Indigo Girls? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the early aughts, I heard that they were playing with
their full band in Marietta, Georgia, so I decided to fly there from New York
to hear them play. The Girls sell out arenas when they play, but for some
reason, the row I was sitting in—far, far from the stage—was completely empty.
They launched into “Power of Two,” and Emily instructed the crowd to look to
their left and take the hand of whoever was there. I gasped and looked to my left and
there was of course no one, and that’s when I plunged into an unfathomable knowledge of
the sorrow of loneliness, where I’ve pretty much been ensconced ever
since.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another time, in the 90s, I went to see the aforementioned
“Suffragette Sessions” at Irving Plaza in New York City. The lights went down
and then a whole gang of women I admired with an almost hopeless fanboy-ism took
the stage singing a Luscious Jackson song. Kate Schellenbach sang lead, and
then she sat herself down at the side of the stage and watched the rest of the
show from there, mysterious as a sphinx. Lisa Germano sang “Cannonball” by the
Breeders, backed by, amongst others, the Breeders’ Josephine Wiggs. A new
singer named Rose Polenzani sang a song called “Or,” backed by Emily and Amy.
The next day, I read a review of the show in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">New York Daily News</i> that dismissed the whole, amazing spectacle as
a “bunch of women who really want to be Neil Young—and also Lisa Germano played.”
The reporter called Emily and Amy “two ogres,” and a muscle throbbed in my jaw. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was in my late teens, I went to a Gay Pride event in
Central Park, and the performers turned out to be a real rogues’ gallery of
unknowns. Like, gay dj’s and gay soothsayers and such. I milled about
aimlessly, unsure of how to talk to the crowds of people who presumably shared
my predilection towards same-sex love. I wanted to fit in and meet people, but
I didn’t even know, really, how to articulate to myself that I was gay yet,
much less how to articulate it to someone else. Towards dusk, I was dehydrated and haggard, and found myself looking at the stage as two women came out and the announcer said it was the
Indigo Girls, and I nearly fainted. Imagine—a major-label act who had the
courage to play a Gay Pride festival! People forget, but they were among the
first openly and unapologetically gay musicians in the business. Before Melissa
Etheridge, before k. d. lang, before Riot Grrrl. The Indigo Girls gave me hope. They said, by playing, that it's okay that we're gay, and it's okay that you are too, and besides that, we won't take our cues from fear. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And they’ve continued to be brave. Their prescient songs
address racism, consumerism, white nationalism, police brutality, and
intellectual isolationism. Visit their website and you’ll be given resources to
help Indigenous activists, support clean energy, support women and people
living with HIV in Africa, and support activist media, among many other causes.
They list their own tour dates on the site almost as an afterthought. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the Ace Hotel, they performed a flawless set, complete
with blistering rockers like “Chickenman” and “Go” (Emily Saliers definitely
plays guitar better than you); crowd favorites like “Ghost” and “Power of Two”;
and new ones like Emily’s “Train Inside,” from her solo record. Her voice is still
gorgeous, but it’s different now, more haunted, with a quaver that I’ve never
noticed. She sounded sad. But between songs, she and Amy were jovial, and spoke
to the crowd as though we were all friends. There were more “Thanks, y’all”s
than in an episode of “Friday Night Lights.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the last songs they performed was “The Rise of the
Black Messiah,” which Amy wrote after Herman Wallace, one of the “Angola
Three,” wrote her a letter after his release from prison, thanking her for her
activism against mass incarceration. Herman had been in solitary confinement in
prison after he was accused and convicted of murder—with no physical evidence
linking him to the crime. He spent an unbelievable 41 years in solitary. It
would be tricky for any white performer to perform a song like this, but
because the Indigo Girls have been performing songs like this for decades, they
have the moral authority to do so. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I wondered how they would follow the dark horror of “The
Rise of the Black Messiah,” how they could possibly turn the crowd’s energy
into hope by the end of the show. I needn’t have wondered—they simply launched
into “Galileo” and everyone in the crowd was screaming and crying with release.
After they left the stage, I got a little overstimulated and started yelling at
everyone: “Thanks, y’all!”, “Thanks, y’all!” and Alice moved quickly away to
find her mother, who was ahead of us in the crowd. I can be a handful when I’m overstimulated.<o:p></o:p></div>
Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-41484805064613362242017-05-22T16:22:00.000-07:002017-05-22T16:32:03.055-07:00Sling bag<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiTkUp5WF9nGC6uwiz4tCp96utpMbMimudIQEK9OLMIYe7V1i_gxmXvi71oWlc2Yi3RoGAWpTtgKck82Si3Q9oHYlxPeudENLlFTsd2r03KisH9lxw7-vQetnS83ONaWSIzZ3a-4uwiDk/s1600/IMG_1840.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiTkUp5WF9nGC6uwiz4tCp96utpMbMimudIQEK9OLMIYe7V1i_gxmXvi71oWlc2Yi3RoGAWpTtgKck82Si3Q9oHYlxPeudENLlFTsd2r03KisH9lxw7-vQetnS83ONaWSIzZ3a-4uwiDk/s320/IMG_1840.JPG" width="240" /></a>I just received a phone call from the writer Luke Goebel. Although I have never spoken with Luke via phone - and I'm pretty bad at phone calls in general - this particular call came just seconds after I'd received my new "sling bag" in the mail from Urban Outfitters, and I was so excited to talk to anyone about it! I'm sure many of you don't know it yet, but you are living in the midst of a fashion craze known as the "sling bag," which I saw online last week and was immediately fascinated by. I immediately launched into a conversation with Luke about the beauty of my newest fashion purchase, and I spoke for about a minute before I realized that Luke's phone had actually pocket-dialed me. I wish I had taped that conversation. What did I say in that minute-long monologue? Sometimes I can describe a fashion item so minutely that I sound like a marketing department, but what could I actually have said about a "sling bag" anyway? It's really just a fanny-pack that one is expected to wear over one shoulder. My words about it already escape me. Then I have to admit I tried to eavesdrop on what Luke was doing, but he almost immediately started hacking and coughing dramatically and at that point I discreetly put the phone down.<br />
<br />
I was so excited to meet Luke last week at a party for Granta! I loved his book FOURTEEN STORIES, NONE OF THEM ARE YOURS so much, and I actually tried (in vain) to get my overlords at HarperCollins to sign him up way back when. He was there at the party with the writer Ottessa Moshfegh, and I was trying to stir that dormant part of my brain that contains the name of every literary writer currently alive in America, and the names of their key work. That part of my brain failed me that night, but after I went online later, I remembered that she got a lot of attention a couple of years ago for a book called EILEEN that I bought then and now must read. I wondered briefly if Luke and Ottessa are dating, but horrible things tend to happen whenever I express any kind of curiosity at all about the personal lives of people I know through the publishing industry. Still, in a different part of my mind, there is a complex literary chess game of trysts, allegiances, and ancient enmities that rivals the fictional worlds of George R. R. Martin, and in that part of my mind, Luke's and Ottessa's chess pieces were adjusted slightly.<br />
<br />
Anyway, back to the sling bag! In this picture, I have filled it with the various items I carry with me at all times during the day. An umbrella, extra contact lenses, a pen, stevia, my headphones, a single condom and a bottle of Cialis (in case I meet someone!), candy, Alka Seltzer, a charger, and a horrible, horrible - but lately, horribly <u>necessary</u> - product called a Preparation H "Totable." The bag almost wasn't big enough!<br />
<br />
I feel like I should be writing now that I'm living in Los Angeles, and seeing other writers (and other publishing industry compatriots like Tyson from Rare Bird) at parties reminds me of that fact. Okay, so I wrote this blog post. Maybe I'll try to do that more often, and maybe I'll write something else, too. Anyway, I'm off to show off my new bag. How should I wear it? To the front, as Urban Outfitters would have me wear it? Or to the back, where it will make me look even more like a hunchback? Or just around the waist, as it <u>clearly</u> is just a fanny-pack repurposed by Herschel's marketing department into the current craze it is, or that I have been fooled into believing it is. I'm not certain, but in any case, sales at UrbanOutfitters.com are up.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-4070881350768856952016-10-22T08:39:00.002-07:002016-10-22T08:39:36.217-07:00What are your thoughts on Beyonce<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidVye-B4acSWbGCKDgf_tXjdobP1LO3YLTMgw1UNMWbEwhGFqIvuizMK5qvh1qNA2BwiPRAwIgOWivlm6iKgYsFWnnIZzH4pQGsFT38iNNWwzG3GWoD4oqcR88NWSem9ynav7MdH8fRaU/s1600/beyonce_miami_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidVye-B4acSWbGCKDgf_tXjdobP1LO3YLTMgw1UNMWbEwhGFqIvuizMK5qvh1qNA2BwiPRAwIgOWivlm6iKgYsFWnnIZzH4pQGsFT38iNNWwzG3GWoD4oqcR88NWSem9ynav7MdH8fRaU/s320/beyonce_miami_2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
One of my authors, the wonderful Lyah Leflore, arranged to give me two free tickets to see Beyonce's final tour date for the Formation tour. Me and Ssanyu braved a nightmarish three-hour commute (just 11 miles away, mind you) from the Port Authority bus terminal to get there. (Thanks, Coach USA!) When we arrived, our tickets were not to be found at the will call, so I had to text Lyah (who was in Puerto Rico at the time, at her niece's wedding) to find out what was going on.<br />
<br />
You can imagine what was going on in my head. I had dragged Ssanyu out to New Jersey. We were both broke. (Or, at least, I was). Beyonce came out and started performing, and we were both listening to her in the deserted carny town that is the MetLife Arena after the main performer starts. I had just been fired, and was looking to move to Philadelphia, with all the loneliness and potential darkness and doom that could arise with such a poorly thought-out plan.<br />
<br />
Lyah somehow made it all work in the end (she can make anything work). Ssanyu and I were assisted at the scene by a wonderful woman who works for Pepsi named Michelle M., who gamely gave up relaxing and listening to the sound from the stadium and walked us where we needed to go and convinced the will call ladies to try again to find our tickets. Ssanyu and I raced up the stairs to catch most of Beyonce's show. At one point, Beyonce came out in this outfit - which I didn't like - but I liked most of her outfits. And I waited to feel something, but it never happened.<br />
<br />
I have all of Destiny's Child's records, but Beyonce as a solo artist has thus far left me cold. Clearly, she's an Illuminati; no human power could have sustained her career for so many years. I liked "Best Thing I Never Had," and "Single Ladies," but she's put out, like, ten solo albums thus far - where are the <i>good</i> songs? "Superpower," from her self-titled album, is genius, but Frank Ocean wrote that. Still, Beyonce has by now accumulated almost godlike powers, and the audience was losing its mind over her. I looked around me a few times during the show at everyone screaming and singing along. Why can't I feel this? I thought.<br />
<br />
Anyway, she sang something or the other and then she left the stage, and Ssanyu and I were treated to an almost-as-nightmarish commute back to NYC. I took the train home, as I often have lo these twenty-two years, the S to the 6, and I thought to myself what I have long thought. Why do I live here? I mean, on earth.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-16141293952387364852016-10-05T10:32:00.000-07:002016-10-05T10:32:22.743-07:00I love crazy people<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3vIBDEMs309Os_7dmktLhqRbh-EclVSyvNAES6_PvpbphAy2v2aaYbacfyxxf9yAYuvrgZK3_aN2sftb7HpPFB2pSvUzCcskOYeFYPLabt5TkzPyyJ73AWQfOROOr7hrNO1RuOCrOZ-I/s1600/IMG_1445-2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3vIBDEMs309Os_7dmktLhqRbh-EclVSyvNAES6_PvpbphAy2v2aaYbacfyxxf9yAYuvrgZK3_aN2sftb7HpPFB2pSvUzCcskOYeFYPLabt5TkzPyyJ73AWQfOROOr7hrNO1RuOCrOZ-I/s320/IMG_1445-2.JPG" width="240" /></a>I went to Heather's birthday party recently. She held it at the Pyramid Club, and right away I was intrigued by that. I haven't been to the Pyramid in maybe 16 years. The last time I was there, it was to hear the rap duo Morplay. They were great, and I threw flower petals up at them on the stage - petals that Morplay rapper Crasta-Yo did not appreciate, possibly because it made for a dangerous on-stage slippage factor. For some reason that is foggy to me in my dotage, I ended up loaning Morplay $5,000 to make a record. They made the record, but didn't pay me back, though I did ask them to. Morplay broke up in the end, and the other rapper from the group, Cazwell, launched a solo career that has included, counter-intuitively, a song called "Get My Money Back." Ah, well. In my life, I have become quite good at "letting it go." <i>Frozen</i> taught me that.<br />
<br />
My former assistant was there at the Pyramid, and then my former boss showed up. There was also another guest - although I'm assuming he was not invited - a large man with long blonde hair who was dancing like someone would dance if he or she were at Studio 54 in 1976 and being filmed doing so. I love crazy people, so I found this man irresistible, and I began to dance with him in a similarly crazy fashion. We were really freaking on each other, but he was so sweaty and I am so old that I couldn't dance with him for too long at a stretch. I took breaks, toweling myself off with a handkerchief. But every ten minutes or so I broke that blonde down on the dance floor. It was really amazing, kind of like the legendary, rumored post-breakup dance-off that Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake had at the Lounge in Los Angeles in 2002. My old assistant Amanda tried to capture these moments with me and the blonde man with her phone camera, but it was too dark, so my inevitable apocalyptic humiliation via viral video was postponed for another night. But can't you just see my eventual viral shaming, before it's happened? Maybe a video of me dancing, or me pantomiming the whole video (complete with cat and choreography) of Lisa Loeb's "Stay," or maybe one of me talking to myself on the streets, mouthing comebacks to insults that occurred hours or days before, finally getting my retort as finely honed as I needed it to be, too late?<br />
<br />
I made for the exit at the Pyramid Club that night knowing that Heather was the coolest lady on the earth, with her cupcakes and her random friends. I exited past the blonde fellow who was literally worn out from my dancing with him, and was now using a cane (literally). <br />
<br />
And I left wearing my glow bracelet, which Heather had gamely attached to my wrist earlier. It took me a long time (maybe two blocks?) before I remembered that I am 43, and took it off.<br />
<br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-81756997456760941212016-05-04T15:35:00.000-07:002016-05-04T15:38:17.200-07:00Tilly's<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAvEQjRYtxilbkv7ImwqnQiElDDEzLfUFQhEUYuddEfmTDfrbmGpqMc96Gg2IrxFkysCLKYsKnJJqIDqVY1OO3VelFceOFFFWg-t8iw8zosqZ22AgymmoINxW-TqcFZLLHp10CboIyVMM/s1600/greentag-sale-home-cara-type-mens.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAvEQjRYtxilbkv7ImwqnQiElDDEzLfUFQhEUYuddEfmTDfrbmGpqMc96Gg2IrxFkysCLKYsKnJJqIDqVY1OO3VelFceOFFFWg-t8iw8zosqZ22AgymmoINxW-TqcFZLLHp10CboIyVMM/s320/greentag-sale-home-cara-type-mens.gif" width="320" /></a>A few years ago, I entered a contest online to win a fun trip to Los Angeles to meet some tween celebrity boy who was all the rage at the time. I'd never even heard of him; I had to Google him. But I wanted to win a trip, so I entered. I was automatically subscribed to the newsletter of the great West Coast teen clothing store Tilly's.<br />
<br />
I don't think I expected to win. I have never won anything except a useless stereo component during college and some dance tickets in my 20s from the Village Voice that I couldn't use and had to give away, to Carolyn and her beau. But there was something about entering this Tilly's contest that tickled me. Imagine if I'd won! The look of surprise of the teen star's adorable, million-dollar face, expecting some little fun girl and seeing my wizened husk instead. It would be the equivalent of entering to win a contest to spend a day with a Kennedy, and then having them show up with Jean Kennedy, in all her glory.<br />
<br />
The weeks and months went by, and I knew I had not won. In this contest, as in life. But I was bemused by the daily emails from Tilly's, telling me what sort of cute tank or boardie I could be in possession of if I'd only loosen my purse strings and live a little with Tilly's. What sort of jogger or legging, lanyard or patch. And their BOGOs. Sweet Lord, always a BOGO with them.<br />
<br />
As time passed, I mulled over the idea of "liking" Tilly's on Twitter, and entering into an online relationship with whoever manned their account - at first, being merely enthusiastic about their product, then being maybe a little creepy, (by revealing my age and my geographic distance from any existing Tilly's), then implying by my tweets that I was relying far too much on my communication with Tilly's in conducting my life. That idea, like many I have, was fleeting. (Although, obviously, in my prime I would have subtweeted Tilly's like a house aflame.)<br />
<br />
Today, it has clearly not occurred to Tilly's that I've been keeping my own counsel on their emails on purpose. In their attempt to get me to place one - even just ONE, one SINGLE order - they have begun emailing me two, three times a day, when clearly one email would do. Just how many rash guards do they think I need?? How many wedges, or pool floats?? I am 43 ... I wouldn't be able even to make a drone WORK! Let alone two, with BOGOooooo.<br />
<br />
When last I visited Alia in Los Angeles, I begged her to come with me to Tilly's. I needed some kind moral support, or perhaps protection. I walked around the store, and their clothes seemed slightly more garish than they looked online, which both surprised me and slightly slaked my intense thirst to be a part of Tilly's machine, such as it is. I confided to Alia about my fascination with the Tilly's newsletter - and she showed a little compassion for once in her life and did not imply that my fascination with Tilly's is clearly a metaphor for my fascination with how youth, sweet youth, can just slip away. And that even if youth seems still within reach - like, just around the corner - it is in a direction you cannot anymore move, because age has compromised your mobility. But Alia did lean conspiratorially toward me and told me that there was a newsletter even more foul, more <br />
aggressive than Tilly's.<br />
<br />
"Oh yeah?" I said, sure that this was some trick.<br />
<br />
"It's Nordstrom's Rack," she said, ominously. I turned pale.<br />
<br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-38597782164723215222015-09-13T13:13:00.001-07:002015-09-14T05:15:19.727-07:00For the Colonel<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgmz-Se71m7RModeAvwrOVu1_5vEbw9HNjBKOW1TIlBfURu7MRSzj7a-ICWqsXzIY7tBb54j2vA_8JMg6P_UZBRbJoPzTO0dkBAnBTNmWySEpOMu2gtDR6bersthwFeNKcGknVCo2xFlU/s1600/IMG_0936.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgmz-Se71m7RModeAvwrOVu1_5vEbw9HNjBKOW1TIlBfURu7MRSzj7a-ICWqsXzIY7tBb54j2vA_8JMg6P_UZBRbJoPzTO0dkBAnBTNmWySEpOMu2gtDR6bersthwFeNKcGknVCo2xFlU/s320/IMG_0936.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
There are advantages, he
thought as the weeks went by, to not having a cat. His apartment slowly emptied
itself of cat hair, whereas before cat hair floated in the air and formed
itself into tumbleweeds that blew menacingly across his floor when he moved around.
He brought strange men home and none of them did about-faces upon entering, or
whined about their allergies in lieu of "getting down to the business between
his legs." His apartment no longer smelled of urine and feces, unless his friend
Dan came over. He didn’t have to worry all the time about what would happen if
his cat died, this little soul he had been given to nourish, nor did he have to
worry that he wasn’t playing with the damned thing enough. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As time went on, his
friends, being helpful, would say “You should get another cat. Another cat
would make things better.” He would smile at their good intentions, and think, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">things are already better</i>. A <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">little </i>better, at least. Different.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It’s not like he didn’t
miss the Colonel. He still expected him to scramble into his bed at night with
a great and unintentionally comic effort. He still got twinges of sorrow when
he looked for the cat’s food and water bowls, to see if they needed refilling.
Those had been the first things he’d thrown out, and then all the toys. He
still had a full bag of litter, though, lying against his bookshelf. He had a
thought that he would one day fill a glass with litter and use it to hold his
incense sticks as they burned. But there was less and less need for incense
these days, without the cat. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
He’d really only gotten the
cat to prove that he could keep it alive. He’d gotten his previous cat, Laffie,
from the Humane Society, and she ate barely anything for weeks. He’d called up
the Humane Society, and they had assured him that this was normal. “Cats don’t
eat anything until they get used to their surroundings!” they chirped merrily.
He had tried out different foods to try to make his cat eat – cat food at first
of course; then organic cat food; then cans of tuna fish; then, once, some crab
from a sushi restaurant. Laffie just hid under the dresser. He had fractured
his foot and was getting around his apartment on crutches when one day, he’d
noticed Laffie lying motionless on the floor, looking at him pleadingly. He’d
picked her up and her head lolled around; she had no strength to lift it. He’d
rushed her on his crutches to the hospital, where they put her on life support
and told him to go home. They called him later to tell him she kept dying and
they kept resuscitating her. “What’s wrong with her?” he asked. “We don’t
know,” they replied. “Is she in any pain?” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“We
don’t know.” </i>Then they called him again and told him she’d died again. “Let
her go,” he’d cried. He got stoned that night and cried so hard he thought his
face would break. Later, the hospital sent him a bill for $1700 and he bitterly
thought, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you’re such a loser. You could
only keep a cat alive for a month.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“Get another cat,” his
friends had said at the time, so eventually he’d reached out to City Critters
to “foster a cat.” He took the cat home and quickly learned that this cat could
have taught a course on eating. A week later, City Critters called him up and
told him he should just keep the cat. “Okay,” he replied. “Okay.” (He was
easily manipulated).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
At first, he and the
Colonel sparred often. He would try to pet the cat, and the cat would scratch
his hands. He often went to work those days with bloodied hands and would tell
his co-workers that he and his cat had had a fight. Oh, how amusing he thought
he was with those co-workers, but they just looked at him like he was a freak,
just like his parents did. His cat sometimes ate meals and then immediately
blew chunks on the floor, and he would look at the cat with a kind of fond
pride, thinking, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">like father, like son.</i>
Sometimes he would come home and the cat would be walking around in his kitchen
sink or atop his refrigerator, tracking its own feces across areas where he
prepared his own joyless meals. His constant eating gradually rid him of his
gift for high-jumping, although he couldn’t be put on a diet. The Colonel would
stalk him if he didn’t have a full bowl, eventually driving him insane with
constant meowing and head-butting. “Get away!” he would shriek. “Can’t you see
I’m on Manhunt?!” He had a constant fantasy that he would put a fanny pack
containing twenty dollars on the Colonel and let him outside to seek his own
fortune wherever fate willed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Fifteen years went by.
During that time, his moods and fates swung wildly and he learned that he was
bipolar. Sometimes when it was hard for him to stay alive, he would think, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">well, who is going to feed your cat? </i>Other
times, he would hold back from his sometime drug use for fear that if he
overdosed, the Colonel would immediately eat his face. Cats are not finicky
about eating the dead, he remembered grimly. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The advantages of having a
dead cat continued to present themselves to him over time. A woman he met
outside his friend Royal’s art opening saw his cat t-shirt and his cat tattoo and asked
him if he had a cat. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“I had one,” he said. “He
died a few months ago.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“Well, now you have to get
another one,” she said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“No. There are advantages
to not having a cat. The biggest one, of course, being that I don’t have to
have a broken heart when it goes away.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“Nice to meet you!” she
said suddenly. “Goodbye!” He noticed suddenly that she was wearing a cap with
the word “cat” on it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
At night sometimes he lay
awake, thinking about his own death. He worried that he was an alien who the
doctors would want to dissect upon his death, in hopes of helping medicine with
what they discovered from his unnaturalness. He was often being cut open in his
fantasies. His ribcage was constantly being separated and hands probed his
organs (all of which were in the wrong places). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“What do you think this is?”
one of the imaginary doctors said to his colleagues, holding up an object
removed with a tweezer from the surface of his heart.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
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Of course, it was a cat
hair.<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-39241315105642960402015-01-06T17:27:00.001-08:002015-01-06T17:54:36.169-08:00Jack Spade<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2n9efaJ8sORNkQapFIs30FWd1y7CA5ufKcSZkXKRkZF3K_pnc0yRi64O-aMmgS1LwMPcpRMQ_bXkeZqsrntLzVCWyrSASHWZMoeFWop7cPPRKAmVQjIoIvo_HENqK8QzvfXQNNwMzr_k/s1600/IMG_0734.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2n9efaJ8sORNkQapFIs30FWd1y7CA5ufKcSZkXKRkZF3K_pnc0yRi64O-aMmgS1LwMPcpRMQ_bXkeZqsrntLzVCWyrSASHWZMoeFWop7cPPRKAmVQjIoIvo_HENqK8QzvfXQNNwMzr_k/s1600/IMG_0734.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a>I was wearing my new Jack Spade coat yesterday evening when I was stopped and searched by the police in the Fulton Street station of the 4, 5, and 6 trains. This isn't going where you think it's going - I actually am not sure why the police don't search me <i>more</i>. I feel so clandestine and cloak-and-dagger almost all of the time - surely some of that feeling must be part of my visible "look?" The officer took one look at my coat and then leapt up from his seat in a Long Island sort of way and started pointing his finger at commuters on their way to the turnstile, like "eenie, meanie, miney, mo," and I got "mo," of course. He beckoned me in a pseudo-fatherly way over to a rickety folding table while my face displayed the coil of an almost imperceptible rictus of a smile.<br />
<br />
It is one of my worst nightmares that I'll wear some multi-colored, garish coat to work and then get fired, and have to try to hold my head up high, carrying a cardboard box of my belongings outside into the rain whilst dressed like a clown. An alternate version of this fantasy is that I'll be dressed like a clown while getting handcuffed by the police while a crowd of people gathers to watch, or while getting beaten up by some cherry-picking vagrant on the street. I used to dress like a clown all the time, but that was in the aughts, when I thought nothing of wearing avant-garde clothing to the bar, to work, wherever. Once I flew to LA wearing a see-through mesh shirt by Fendi and Alia and I lurked about Hollywood and were cold to passersby. Once I was wearing an enormous coat covered in Burberry plaid and the barkeep at the bar I was leaving said, "Girl, oh my <i>Gawd</i> you are leaving here alone tonight." I could only look at him sadly and think,<i> But I am merely a harmless eccentric… </i>Another time at a party, I coldly accused the writer Bret Easton Ellis of being a misogynist while wearing a beautiful, flowing wig I'd just purchased from Patricia Field. I peacocked long before Neil Strauss made the term fashionable in his douche-bag bible, <i>The Game</i>.<br />
<br />
(Okay, I know, I know - Jack Spade is the ultimate douche-bag brand. But, grrrl, it was less than $200 on barneyswarehousesale.com, and I MUST HAVE A NEW COAT AND A NEW SCARF EACH YEAR even when I am not sure where my next rent check is coming from. It is my biggest revenge fantasy that, when I am finally ensconced in some sort of gay rest home, I will be able to dazzle the other old queens with an endless array of beautiful coats and scarves, like Diana Ross - and have the ability to say that I have seen EVERY MADONNA CONCERT [three, albeit, via DVD only :^( ])<br />
<br />
The po-po, of course, found nothing in my bag. I am, realistically, far past middle age, and if I were to do drugs today, I would surely just immediately turn to ash like that blonde witch in "American Horror Story: Coven" last season. Sigh. Back in the day, though, I partied like a house afire. I will cling to that Gee and keep going to work and keeping it together and doing the best I can. I will cling to the Gee who, when given a copy of the AA Daily Reflections in rehab, immediately flipped to the last page in February and informed the doctor, "But, there is no entry for February 29th." She turned pale, and I continued: "<i>How</i> will your precious <i>book</i> save you <i>then</i>."<br />
<i><br /></i>Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-71831840360659166842014-12-25T05:54:00.001-08:002014-12-25T05:54:51.881-08:00This one's hard<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2TmXORdvizBLV3TjBd2-QZQUAAehBJkpKkQlGiaoFLEXrHsM4i19oMChR4LFgTNr2oUnwrpm_U_M5NwBEoofdY1eJuvPAq32JOkJylVWEqlPkmHKPi4NK3s4_AG_EL4LxLYJlVXM9aRo/s1600/IMG_0730.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2TmXORdvizBLV3TjBd2-QZQUAAehBJkpKkQlGiaoFLEXrHsM4i19oMChR4LFgTNr2oUnwrpm_U_M5NwBEoofdY1eJuvPAq32JOkJylVWEqlPkmHKPi4NK3s4_AG_EL4LxLYJlVXM9aRo/s1600/IMG_0730.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a>This one is going to be hard to write obliquely, but I'm up to the challenge, and it's Christmas, so here goes.<br />
<br />
This was my outfit going to church last night. Back in the day, in my childhood, we dressed up for church, but in adulthood, I like to snub my nose at God a little with my fashion choices. Casual only, you know? But believe me, God has reciprocated in spades, and I am treated just as casually by the Almighty as I treat Him or Her. To calamitous effect.<br />
<br />
Susan had invited me to her church earlier in the week, where she and her husband Nick were ushering for the Christmas Eve service. I got there late, fresh from some new sexual humiliation that I brought upon myself. I was greeted by Susan and Nick, and then seated myself in the balcony of the church. Immediately, two little girls came out and sang a carol and it was so sweet and sad that I began to weep, weep, weep, like I haven't wept since I saw "The Impossible" or "Lorenzo's Oil." I wept so hard that I had to go to the bathroom three times during the service to blow my nose. It was really gross. Susan held me at one point, when I was trying to find the bathroom the first time.<br />
<br />
While I was watching the service, I started thinking about the many church services I attended as a youth, with my mother and father and brother. Like, every Sunday for most of my childhood. My mother sang those songs. Those hymns, and those rote prayers. And then I started thinking, of course, about visiting my mother's ashes in her funeral home with my father. Maxine forced me to, and I'm glad she did. In the funeral home, Dad started singing this hymn that I had never heard before. I stood there, astonished, because I had never heard him sing before, and I certainly never thought about him loving my mother enough to sing to her. You know, your parents are your parents, and you don't think of them as loving beings. The song that he sang was "And the Mighty Organ Played, 'O Promise Me.'" I looked at Maxine and thought, "Does this make you feel something, like it does me?" but Maxine was inscrutable as always. Hard as a jewel, really. Who was he singing that song for? Did it have any history for him and Mom? Who knows…they never SPOKE.<br />
<br />
Tonight, I called Maxine at around 8 pm and told her that I'd just cried in church, that I just couldn't stop, and that I'd been thinking about Dad, and she asked me "isn't it a bit early for church?" That's what she asked me. Then she asked me what movie we were going to for Christmas. We always see a movie for Christmas, because we don't like to talk about our feelings (at least to one another). And it's usually a Hobbit movie. This time it will be the one about the five armies, or such. ONE MUST NEVER TALK ABOUT ONE'S FEELINGS TO MAXINE.<br />
<br />
This has only happened once before in my life (shout out to Cherita!) but then a friend rescued me. Susan took me into her home and fed me and her parents were there and they were adorable. They held me there all night in their embrace and I left feeling incredibly changed. I do know that Susan knows how I feel about her, but just in case she doesn't, I want her to know that she saved my life tonight.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-21926128738791567232014-12-24T11:30:00.000-08:002014-12-24T11:33:05.337-08:00KellyWhat are your thoughts on Kelly Ripa? Do you have any? Weirdly, I do.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTfNewQ7lO9k4dNNuG0q0YyG39Hp2GAs3svfDFEo1LXe4miY1JTC3d3yu88U9oUK8HB3gMfRx-0IQ-xSzLVF9MjlI52YzrrnL8c2mrYCVXg9mhHWDbzX8jxrvxu8f9LLPCPluQs0VNBiM/s1600/Unknown.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTfNewQ7lO9k4dNNuG0q0YyG39Hp2GAs3svfDFEo1LXe4miY1JTC3d3yu88U9oUK8HB3gMfRx-0IQ-xSzLVF9MjlI52YzrrnL8c2mrYCVXg9mhHWDbzX8jxrvxu8f9LLPCPluQs0VNBiM/s1600/Unknown.jpeg" /></a>I don't mean to front. The character "Kelly Ripa," as it surely is a character, is among the most self-assured comedic portrayals in history. I rank "KR" up there with "Stephen Colbert" or "Jan Hooks." There is no moment on her stupid show where she's not ON. I could watch YouTube videos of her all day, I kid you not. But not HER insipid show. Just shows where she's being interviewed on, where she's letting the KR character out for popular consumption.<br />
<br />
I kind of feel like Kelly Ripa, like me, is just a morbid depressive when she's not being filmed. Like, she probably goes home every afternoon and weeps and makes love to Mark Consuelos and then weeps again for good measure. She was probably born with a knitted brow. This has been sort of corroborated to me by people who know her. You can sort of tell, too, can't' you? Just look how she bad-mouths her own daughter in interviews! Who but a sad sicko would do that? But when she's on the air, she's on the f*cking <i>show</i>, she's a dynamo, she is taking no prisoners, damn you.<br />
<br />
As for her show--I remember thinking that it was revolutionary when Michael Strahan was named as her co-host. It <u>is</u> revolutionary, probably unprecedented. Just 20 years ago, that could have gotten the show blackballed in the South. Just 20 years ago, that probably could have started a new political party. But that is as far as it goes, revolution-wise, on "Live With Kelly and Michael,"sadly. I tuned in a few months ago to see one of the Hemsworth brothers (does it matter which?) being interviewed on "Live" and practically fell asleep. Such soft-ball questions! I like the Hemsworth brothers as much as someone could like anything--like, <i>hard</i>, man. But I felt nothing watching that interview. Nothing up above and nothing down below. And, being that I'm a book publicist, I feel sort of slightly put out that Kelly and Michael never have authors on their show. I mean, f*ck them, right?<br />
<br />
Here she is wearing a shoulder-less dress. Is she pretty? Is she plain? I can't tell anymore. She's like my mom, in that I can't see her objectively anymore, but I can't imagine a world without her.<br />
<br />
This was a transitional post. Sorry, all.<br />
<br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-46014513340887123592014-11-11T17:17:00.001-08:002014-11-11T17:21:00.162-08:00The public gaze<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihT7BeFewaJyLLCvmhRBcjduu_UI0icFXrMNmPSfT4ytGjs1FEODJ7kfAyYhIE-A_P4YnTb2s1hBsLzzAhA6uYUuKT_qqGSg_Uk865cujs4gyFbM-ECRawuoKuprh0yVwA8SY8NiTe-TY/s1600/IMG_0712.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihT7BeFewaJyLLCvmhRBcjduu_UI0icFXrMNmPSfT4ytGjs1FEODJ7kfAyYhIE-A_P4YnTb2s1hBsLzzAhA6uYUuKT_qqGSg_Uk865cujs4gyFbM-ECRawuoKuprh0yVwA8SY8NiTe-TY/s320/IMG_0712.JPG" width="240" /></a>When one is walking around the busy streets of Manhattan with a disfiguring injury to one's face, as I was today, one must prepared for the intrusive stares of one's fellow New Yorkers. I've noticed this phenomenon before. When I got into a bicycle accident in 1996 and had two black eyes, even the freaking freaks on the street were looking at me like <i>I</i> was the freak. <i>Staring</i>, even. I think that when people see a freak, they feel as though they are one rung up from the freak in life, and can thus take certain liberties in dealing with them. People gaze openly at the injured, the homeless, the people walking down the street helplessly crying. Like as though we are paintings, or small children. Give us a modicum of privacy!<br />
<br />
When I was still in college, my friend Kristin had a binder filled with freaks. I think she curated the binder to include freaks from popular media, but she had also surreptitiously taken pictures of students around the campus whom she deemed subhuman. One that I remember was "Fetus Girl," who was a woman with soft, puffy skin, who did somewhat resemble a fetus who was born prematurely but lived in spite of that. Hers was an unfortunate lot, but I thought what I thought about her and moved on. No need for me to immortalize her like Kristin did! I wonder what happened to Fetus Girl? (She's probably dead by now.)<br />
<br />
Whenever I see an unfortunate soul walking towards me on the street, I immediately look away. This includes people in wheelchairs, junkies partially levitating during some nod-out, and celebrities. (Although I did see Ewan McGregor on the street outside work today, and I looked at him - twice - with extreme curtness, just to confirm to myself that it was indeed him). I remember the writer Jean Rhys' book Good Morning Midnight, when the narrator, down on her luck, notices out of the corner of her eye that another woman on her train is staring at her. The narrator tries to stare her down, but the woman won't look away. The narrator wonders: What kind of person would continue to stare at you when you have caught them in the act? Her answer: The same kind who would have gone to a burning at the stake and locked eyes with the immolated as they were burned alive.<br />
<br />
People at work kept coming up to me and asking me, "What <i>happened</i>?" I was tempted to reply, "I'm dating someone new. I guess this means he loves me?" But I knew that people would complain about me to my boss if I did that, so I told them the horribly simple truth: I was tripped. Towards the middle of the day, I had become so self-conscious about my near-mortal wound that I began to wish that I could go away to that place that I long for sometimes. The little white room in a hospital where I lie in bed and think about nothing, while nurses come and go, soothing my forehead with a cool cloth. But then I went to the gym and did abs, and then I didn't feel that bad.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-77657750781316949312014-10-24T17:54:00.001-07:002014-10-24T17:54:09.902-07:00Honey Boo Boo<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuZnZvV7eCxQthqxPHWP_ORwXqX2wxaJK-yzL0i1KjLLS7N6L7CGKsOS6xN-Ohj1qxO1G3k5UHFMk4Tq9tKf_pfvJbr5n5Wk275H9NUGH67giV0GAz9kJKmBY8LdsyM5dc9dhLnb4Noyo/s1600/IMG_0693.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuZnZvV7eCxQthqxPHWP_ORwXqX2wxaJK-yzL0i1KjLLS7N6L7CGKsOS6xN-Ohj1qxO1G3k5UHFMk4Tq9tKf_pfvJbr5n5Wk275H9NUGH67giV0GAz9kJKmBY8LdsyM5dc9dhLnb4Noyo/s1600/IMG_0693.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>Are you like me? Do you hate the phrase "white trash?" Ugh, it makes me cringe every time I hear someone utter it. We are obviously never going to achieve racial harmony until all the races stop demeaning one another. Plus, the implications in the word about class need to hit the scrap heap of history. True, the recent Honey Boo Boo scandal makes me pessimistic about the future of the human race, but maybe not for the reasons you think.<br />
<br />
There is nothing about foolish choices that has to do with class. See: John Grisham. See: George W. Bush. See: Michael Jackson. Foolish choices happen because we're human, all of us. I can put myself in Mama June's shoes, I can see why she perhaps thought she had no other option open to her other than the vile man from her past. I can be horrified by her choice to resume dating him, but I can't pretend to be her superior in terms of morality, as I've made some pretty epically dumb moves in my day. (Including my recent wise decision to get involved with a "straight" man with a girlfriend, which I'm praying doesn't cause Jesus himself to throw me into the lake of fire). I can't so much sympathize with the Mama Junes of the world as empathize with them, you know?<br />
<br />
I wonder why I know the names "Honey Boo Boo" and "Mama June" in the first place? I am a 41-year-old man who only watches perhaps a half-hour of television a day. (But a crucial half-hour! right at the twilight between laying in bed and having the Trazadone kick in). When I told my therapist recently that my psyche is being rocked by the sheer volume of television shows out there and available for my consumption, she suggested I blog about it. I hate it that she's discovered my blog! :( What's on here is automatic writing, stream of consciousness thinking in a zone of safety and whimsy, and certainly nothing that analyzation would limn.<br />
<br />
Today when I go to the CVS to make my sometimes-alarmingly urgent self-beautification purchases, I gaze upon the magazines displayed near the counter and wonder at the "celebrities" depicted on the covers of US Weekly, People, and their ilk. "Kris rocked by paternity scandal." "Kate locked in bitter alimony struggle." Who are these f**king people? And is America really that familiar with them that they can now be identified by first name only? Where are all these networks found on the dial? Who knows the channel numbers for HGTV, Lifetime, VH-1, TLC, etc.? I believe the only reality tv I've ever watched was the first couple of seasons of "The Real World" and the entire run of "Breaking Up With Shannon Doherty."<br />
<br />
Tonight I am really excited to stay home and clean my apartment, and it's a Friday night (live it up, Gregory). I'd lost my laundry card, and thus I am wearing my black tank top (this is as "white trash" as my look gets). That's what I was reduced to this week, wearing things I never wear, out of necessity. Tonight I found it, and have already laundered my rock tees, my sexy briefs, my deceptive polos. I can only speculate on what Mama June is wearing, but I'm sure that whatever it is, it is very little.<br />
<br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-74787956817051680792014-10-21T17:35:00.002-07:002014-10-21T17:41:06.197-07:00Franklin Ave<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I was wearing my short-sleeved black shirt from Barney's and the same Levi's jeans I've secretly been wearing for two weeks straight now when I made the trek out to Crown Heights to attend the Franklin Park Reading Series. My author Blake Butler was reading that night, and it's always fun to see him, so I was looking forward to the evening. I was almost there when it occurred to me that I was on Franklin Avenue, the site of my late brother Michael's law office. I don't know why this had never occurred to me before. I've been to that reading series at least once or twice before. I decided to walk the two blocks there to see how much it had changed, if at all.<br />
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As I was walking there, I marveled at how much the block has changed since the years I used to get taken to "the office" whenever I had been kicked out of school, which was often. Back then, it was mostly bodegas, and men peddling beef patties. Mmmmm...patties. What a strange word: "patty." Now, it's like organic restaurants and trendy bars and such. I wonder if my brother would have been happier there if the gentrification had happened earlier? He hated Franklin Avenue so much, and hated being an attorney, too. Towards the end of his life, I sat with him in his SUV in Queens and he told me that he had a dream to become the captain of a boat. I said, "well, why don't you do that, then?" "I can't," he replied, and then he started crying, and I held him. I felt so sad for him, feeling trapped in his life. I've structured my own life in such a manner that, if I ever needed to, I could just quickly gather up my books and outfits and cat and up and move to California. No kids. Just one family member left in Queens. And she thinks I'm crazy, so a sudden departure wouldn't raise any red flags with her. I would miss Paula and Luther, though. And Mary, and Kayleigh, and Cathy, and Kateri, and Heidi, and Michelle, and Sherie, and William, and Rory, and Greta, and Tina, and Amy, and Alyse. And the rest of y'all. I don't think Michael had the luxury of escaping his life. He was much more influenced by and dependent on his parents than I was. Plus he had that house and that very messed-up wife of his.<br />
<br />
I peered inside the office, which is now some kind of investment firm. The front entryway seemed unchanged, but further in, it was totally different. They had gutted my brother's office, it was all hip now, like a f*cking loft or something, and I suddenly was going to cry. There were, like, these <i>people</i> inside, sitting and working. Like he once did. I wanted to run inside and scream at them and tell them to get the hell out, but instead I snapped this selfie of myself in front of the old office at 722 Franklin Ave. And then I went and saw Blake read a passage about the deaths of a million people in America, and Nikki was there, too, and I felt better for some strange reason. For the first part of the reading, I was sitting at the bar, gazing at the bottles, facing away from the readers. Then, I remembered that my purpose on earth is to help other people, and that one of the readers might feel slighted if they spotted me facing away from them on their night, so I turned around at that point. I feel very moved and grateful every time I think of my brother and how his job and his wife killed him, while my job and the people I work with restore me to life--every day--and the sociopaths I date have very little affect on me. I don't think it's luck--I haven't lived a good enough life to deserve luck. It's more like grace.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-50325749188731241942014-10-18T20:46:00.001-07:002014-10-18T20:47:23.892-07:00PACO!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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On the second day that Alia granted me access to her on her visit to NYC, I went to meet her and Paco in Brooklyn for brunch. I haven't seen Paco since she dared to challenge me to a sing-off during my birthday karaoke party two years ago, and I demolished her with a cover of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." Paco, still embittered, spent the entire day trying to make me uncomfortable with excessive body contact, kissing, putting her face thisclose to mine during casual conversation, etc. Little does Paco know, I was not made to feel uncomfortable, though as the day stretched out I began to become a little confused why she wasn't getting tired of her own joke. That said, both Alia and I have an alarming fondness for our own senses of humor, and sometimes our running jokes go on for years, so I guess I can relate. Alia's been doing farting noises when I walk since high school, cracking herself up as though each time she does it is the first time. I've been saying "pound THIS" and "collate THIS" since 1995, when Rebekah from MultiPlan first hipped me to that jive.<br />
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I wonder where Rebekah is today? She is one of the few people in my life to have dropped me as a friend because of my sense of humor. She had explained to me her paranoia that she had been secretly filmed for the Michael Moore documentary "Sicko" (she was a drug rep when I knew her). She was so worried that she would be featured in that movie. So, to make fun of her and try to bring her to her senses (because I was worried for her sanity), I kept joking that I would visit her soon, unless she was attending the gala premiere of "her movie." I called her and left messages for her twice after that, but she didn't return my calls, and I got the message and never called again. I feel that when people stop speaking to you, it's the least you can do to respect them and go along with it. I also feel that sometimes people who call themselves "neurotic" should actually just tell the truth and call themselves "egomaniacs."<br />
<br />
Last year I stopped speaking with two friends of mine. Both were sober, and I think that in both cases, I was consciously trying to take a step away from that insane sober world where no one shows up and I was always alone, or trying to talk to people with no interest in me at all. But also in both cases, they were sort of control freaks who wouldn't do anything with me unless it was their idea. I'm not the world's best friend, but I sometimes go along with group consensus. These were people who would just not show up unless the activity was their idea. Do you have friends like that? I don't anymore, but I do wish them well, and I do still love them, albeit from afar. It really sucks. :( (And I also think that Johnathan has left me for the gays.)<br />
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I told my therapist recently that I have a weird lack of curiosity about people's life stories. Sometimes I'll be talking with people at parties or meetings or such and they'll ask me about my family history. Usually I'll demur, because nothing could derail a party or meeting like Gregory detailing his family's history. But recently I told a couple of people my story--Caitlin Moran and Hanna Rosin. Hanna immediately told me that I had to read A Change of Climate by Hilary Mantel, which I actually already own, but hadn't read yet. (It's now next in my queue). I need to get more curious about other people, I think.<br />
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Still, conversations that I prefer to conversations about family and death and so forth are the kind of conversations I ALWAYS have with Alia and Paco. We keep it light, for the most part, and nonsensical. We mocked the host of the so-so restaurant we went to. I was chased, as always, by a bee. We played "you like that?" in Brooklyn, and they both got into it, even Alia, who usually chooses death as the unspoken fourth option in "marry, fuck or kill," rather than having to marry or fuck someone she deems substandard. (Most people). She'll kill willy-nilly, though. Over the course of the day, I got to know a little more about Paco, which was one of my main goals of the day. When I was saying goodbye, I grabbed her by the hips and pulled her close to me, to show her just how uncomfortable I was with her, but I wasn't sure what to do next. Then she spun me around and kissed me, as Alia snapped this pic. I made a funny face, as is my wont, but believe me, I was into it.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-91437454583510491132014-10-15T17:13:00.001-07:002014-10-15T17:32:07.464-07:00Dressed in black<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWqz3buVPK-Rp7VWpRHosaIN3zcM_sdRiOYPIiH5FqpbQb_0tfRxVX1O3IUCCea91oN4G2O9D4cBVCkNjPGV4ExZzXECfuwELTDYyHKURgl-99eTvm-jLVOYPqlcehQPgG_hYCGNaFwkQ/s1600/IMG_0684.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWqz3buVPK-Rp7VWpRHosaIN3zcM_sdRiOYPIiH5FqpbQb_0tfRxVX1O3IUCCea91oN4G2O9D4cBVCkNjPGV4ExZzXECfuwELTDYyHKURgl-99eTvm-jLVOYPqlcehQPgG_hYCGNaFwkQ/s1600/IMG_0684.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
Alia flew into town recently, and we went to see her friend Mick play a show at Fontana's. I believe that Mick and Alia "hung out" in the 1990s, although I do not believe that their relationship was ever really defined by either of them. Relationships are very mysterious to me, and, since the 90s, whenever I have tried to "name" a relationship ("boyfriend," "lover," etc.) I have been swiftly and irrevocably corrected by the party I am referring to.<br />
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Mick is my favorite of Alia's "friends." Once, in the 90s, when the three of us (!) were hanging out late-night, and Alia had excused herself to go to the bathroom, Mick looked at me seriously and asked if I would like it if he went with me and Alia to the gay night at Don Hill's, so I could find someone, too. I gazed thoughtfully at Mick, and replied that I had no trouble meeting people (by my estimation, at that point I had bedded 200 men, and I preferred the fellows I encountered at XXX video booths, to be frank) and he said that he hadn't thought so. But I was so touched by his offer! Mick is a rocker, and all the rocker guys I knew before him were complete assholes or so clueless that they didn't even realize I was gay. (Once, at Tonic, I was chatting with the lead singer of Trans Am about recent rumors about Ash Bowie from Polvo when he suddenly offered me the job of playing guitar with Trans Am! I cracked up. How would it have looked if I was suddenly playing, like, the Knitting Factory in a band that people actually cared about? That would have altered my whole world, the trajectory of my life, which is going according to plan and getting more and more myopic and isolated).<br />
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I saw Mick play a few shows in the 90s. One was at Irving Plaza, where he covered a Dead Boys song so convincingly that I got over-excited and emotionally congratulated him on his performance afterwards, shaking his hand, even, if I remember correctly, and then burned with embarrassment at my lack of cool. Like, you fucking <i>fanboy</i>. His performance at Fontana's on Saturday night wasn't like the Irving Plaza gig. He wasn't playing a character, really, just playing with some friends he's been playing with for years. I loved it how the other guys in the band sang along with him--it was like they were a band of brothers, attacking the audience with a song. Bananarama was like that for me, too, all of them singing in tandem, without the slightest hint of harmony. Mick's was the loudest gig I'd been to in years, the most rollicking. I think one of them was using a Wizard amp, maybe? They are called The Threads, and if Mick posts their gigs to his Facebook page, I will be attending more of them.<br />
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I don't think that Mick would mind if I said that he and I share a problem, which has only endeared him to me over the years. I find myself wondering if Mick and I could help each other with our mutual problem, but in the world of Rock, there is no helping, really, and certainly not between the rocker and the--what am I? WHAT AM I<br />
<br />
Mick in this picture has removed the black sunglasses and hat he performed in earlier in the set. To my mind, this was an improvement. I don't trust a man in a hat for some reason. During the set, he gave shout-outs to Alia, her brother David, and to me. When he was finished playing, he came and hung out with us and, when we were saying goodbye, he said to me: "I love you." I fucking love you too, Mick. Hero of my youth. Rocker with his heart on his sleeve. You look the same as you did in the 90s, although that's not saying much, because so do I.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-64370473609994603412014-10-07T17:53:00.003-07:002014-10-07T18:04:03.362-07:00Same-saminess<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSkT2O2HZQFYyUXAN6sLNrKC3nk0YZsLdJfxXYapPVWOoBQCBLLhNv2TjaGvWe6guiG8jCAiljYef9n8AZdELZ3fGTarfe0sOiOOmxMkbuOB5I5Uae2SrP4pBxUFN1R2oaH58ri01iId8/s1600/IMG_0683.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSkT2O2HZQFYyUXAN6sLNrKC3nk0YZsLdJfxXYapPVWOoBQCBLLhNv2TjaGvWe6guiG8jCAiljYef9n8AZdELZ3fGTarfe0sOiOOmxMkbuOB5I5Uae2SrP4pBxUFN1R2oaH58ri01iId8/s1600/IMG_0683.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>For some months now, I've been playing a game with my colleagues. I wear the same pair of Levi's to work every day, to see if anyone notices. But no one notices! I suppose this is one area where men have an advantage over women? If a woman wore the same pantsuit to work every day, she would be quickly gathered into a chokehold and escorted noisily out the door by security. But no one cares what I wear, as long as I don't smell. (That's an in-joke for you, Tina and Amy!)<br />
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I guess no one really notices jeans. But there was a time when wearing a jean was revolutionary. Jeans have been around since the 1700s, but I believe that in reality they were only fully integrated into our culture post-WWII when factory workers demanded comfort as they inhaled their deadly fumes, enjoyed early mortality rates, and made our Rockefellers rich. And, strange as it may seem, I believe they were only fully cemented into the cultural melange when Ariana Grande was forced by the NFL to wear them instead of her planned super-short skirt, when performing at the Super Bowl a few mere months ago. She ROCKED those jeans. Are you shocked that I, 41, know who Ariana Grande is? You shouldn't be, because the old have...Google...! How else would we know where to search for cheap Boniva and Cialis amongst the pharmacies of Canada?<br />
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But, same-saminess is really my thrust here. WHY do I delight in wearing (mostly) the same outfit to work every day, give or take a variation in blouse? Why do I eat exactly the same thing every day during lunch hours for months, and then loathe when I start getting comped (to my great shame) by eateries? Do I have a form of OCD? (Yes. And I have a doctor's note as proof).<br />
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Today, I got emotional with a colleague, and I regret it now. I prefer the same-saminess of placid greetings and pleasant exchanges with work acquaintances. I don't regret at all what was said today (I was merely defending myself--and my colleagues). But I regret the <i>emotion</i> my words were said with. I don't get emotional much. As many people know, my primary battle in life I fought with my mother, and now that I have literally vanquished her, I don't really entertain many other emotional battles. None could really compare. I really wish I could say that I was comfortable living in a world in which I was submissive, where my commitment to my job could be called into question as a matter of course, on a regular basis, but I can't. That's just me.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-87293374479925809242014-09-28T15:27:00.000-07:002014-09-28T15:27:15.674-07:00Wrinkles<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I like wearing a wrinkly shirt. Perhaps it's because I've never been able to keep my room clean, and my idea of putting away the laundry is just balling my clothes into my dresser, hoping that my sweat will smooth them out when I wear them.<br />
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When I was a kid, my mother sent me to a series of psychologists because I couldn't keep my room clean. For years, I thought it was because I was fond of starting small fires in our backyard, and stabbing kids in my schools with pens (just every now and then, mind you). But no. My sister Maxine, in my adulthood, confirmed to me that the trait of mine that most vexed my mother was my untidiness. She would often send me to my room to clean it, and I remember making a real production out of it, with cobbled-together pulleys that I would transport soiled clothing with, as though I was afraid to touch my own detritus. Assembly line procedures from a boy with a strange fondness for repetitive tasks. Today, when I clean my room, I'm all over the place, using a strange philosophy gleaned from my abortive experiences with 12 step programs. <i>Just clean the next right thing</i>, I tell myself, and as a result, I wash that one dish, I put away that one pair of socks, I wash that next dish, I scoop that one kitty litter thing, I put away that blouse, that top, that simple shell, etc. It's very OCD, and my apartment gets clean very gradually. No one area is completely clean ever, I don't think. It's just on the way there. I wonder sometimes: do I like the disarray? What in it speaks to me???<br />
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Once a fellow came over to sample my wares, and as I let him in, he looked around at my messy apartment and said "no," and left. I remember being affected very deeply by this, very ashamed. Today, there is very little that the fellows could do that would affect me deeply, or cause me to think much of anything about it, although I must admit that often when my apartment is going through a dirty phase, I am alarmingly celibate thanks to a certain faint voice somewhere deep inside of me that I suppose you could call shame if you want. I wish the fellows would get apartments of their own that I could visit for our loveless couplings, but in Manhattan, I am apparently the only gay who lives alone.<br />
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When I was unemployable in the early aughts, I used to wake up (or, more aptly, come to) at 10 am or so and watch Martha Stewart's show with a strange, delicious horror. Everything was in place with her, as they say, as it never was with me. I watched her show, I went for a brutal, punishing run, I went to the Food Bar for a meat lasagna, and then it was off to the races, as it were. EVERY DAY for, like, two YEARS. Repetitive tasks, repetitive tasks...<br />
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For a while in recent years, I employed a cleaning lady with an alarming lack of boundaries, and my room was as clean as it could possibly have been with Gregory living in it. My untidiness, however, extends into my finances, and now I clean my room solo, pining for Olga, pining to be able to afford a put-together look. I often say that my room at times looks like a homeless person lives there. But on some nights, like tonight, when I've been cleaning up a quiet storm, it goes one notch up and looks like a college student lives there.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-7359126974561022962014-06-16T17:16:00.000-07:002014-06-16T17:16:12.404-07:00Jock<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ5R_Ykh3vQq28rqRtYAz1ma8ZOA1p0Fhi6c8RRdqlN1NR2KahI6RFvBlEndyGXrAbMIrb4iLvsco69q02GxDYTHJS4WMAhemcQYyGxUMaDpJozEmRhE9ccYzvvCnfwap_nVMemERln4g/s1600/33560.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ5R_Ykh3vQq28rqRtYAz1ma8ZOA1p0Fhi6c8RRdqlN1NR2KahI6RFvBlEndyGXrAbMIrb4iLvsco69q02GxDYTHJS4WMAhemcQYyGxUMaDpJozEmRhE9ccYzvvCnfwap_nVMemERln4g/s1600/33560.jpg" height="320" width="250" /></a>Do you know how touching it is when you're dating someone, and they know you like to see them in a jockstrap, and so every time you hang out with them, they wear a jockstrap? Like, a different one each TIME, even. I get so touched when I think about how Elias looks out for me that a tear comes to my eye. Well, okay, maybe not my eye, and maybe not a tear, but you know what I'm saying.<br />
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Elias has been leaving things at my apartment for weeks now. Little gay periodicals, an unassuming little packet of cocaine (eww). I leave them in a pile in my kitchen, a little shrine to our burgeoning love. I know he is going to break my heart, and it is going to hurt, because he is so good-looking. And then he can collect his shrine. This is not him in the photo, by the way--he hates for me to photograph him, because I think he thinks I'm going to post the photos on some lurid German porn site, WHICH I WOULD NEVER DO.<br />
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Elias likes to fight his lovers, verbally. I have known him for nine years, and during that time, he had epic battles with two longterm boyfriends, he ran down endless alleys at night, screaming at his lovers in Portuguese. I would come pick him up to romp through a game of "Space Invaders" and listen to his tales of love woe. Should I see that as a red flag? That he cheated on his lovers to spend time with me? Spell that out for me: "r-e-d f-l-a-g." What do those words mean? They have no bearing on my life, begone with them. Now I sit in cafes with Elias and effortlessly parry his incessant attempts to bicker with me. And then we go home and he has, like, another fucking jockstrap on. I think he loves me.<br />
<br />
I went with Kateri and Kayleigh this week to see the movie "Obvious Child." Go. I swear, you'll thank me later. I cried laughing, and the love interest was soooo SWEET. Like, he warmed Jenny Slate's butter before passing it to her. I immediately thought, "I want to be that sweet! I want to be that guy. I will warm someone's butter." And what perfect timing--I'm dating again. Now I get to warm the butter.<br />
<br />
Elias is working tonight at Posh. We texted earlier and now I'm home cleaning my apartment (my cleaning lady is coming tomorrow, and I would be ashamed if she actually had to do any real cleaning, which tells you a lot about my complicated feelings about class and my being a slob). I move around my apartment for two hours, doing the next right thing, and things get better, gradually. I know this feeling I'm having, this feeling of not wanting to see someone less, and being comfortable with not seeing them more. Some people call it love.<br />
<br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-87753137845088265142014-02-15T14:27:00.002-08:002014-02-15T14:27:37.914-08:00The Minor Alps<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC21Ziv_4B1CjSRaQelI1S0X-1tthtN3hyphenhyphen6Jtf1b_XlB83AC-4ROpxN8AHt7UsChtGyzv6xD3Z-tfgW_0AKSk_Hzb-WAysXyc887aXmVsWHMkuSKKf8qgX5KDNAvzWYsOFnlpesnWfvZk/s1600/photo-25.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC21Ziv_4B1CjSRaQelI1S0X-1tthtN3hyphenhyphen6Jtf1b_XlB83AC-4ROpxN8AHt7UsChtGyzv6xD3Z-tfgW_0AKSk_Hzb-WAysXyc887aXmVsWHMkuSKKf8qgX5KDNAvzWYsOFnlpesnWfvZk/s1600/photo-25.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a>I took Steven to see the Minor Alps play at the Bowery Ballroom. Steven is the young man I was "falling in love with" last summer. It didn't work out, but I expected it not to, and anyway, I was never <u>really</u> falling in love with Steven, so it's okay. He was sort of dumb when I really think about it, but that's my type, after all. I felt bad when our affair ended, but only for two weeks, and then I was myself again. Whatever that is.<br />
<br />
Steven got back in touch with me a few weeks ago, down on his luck. He'd quit one job and then was fired from the next. He honestly seemed confused about how to <u>be</u>. I am super-familiar with this kind of fellow, so I was unperturbed. I got him an interview at the company I work for, and I coached him on how to look for a job. I coached him on how to look at the world, at life itself. I took him out for dinner a couple of times, because I knew he was broke. We ended up at the Minor Alps show.<br />
<br />
OMG, I loved this show, which I wasn't expecting. I had streamed the album and it sort of left me cold, but hearing the music live was different. The sunny boy-girl melodies were so sweet and sad that I found myself in my least favorite situation: yearning for human connection. I made the fateful decision to put my arm around Steven's shoulder, as one would with a friend. Steven immediately shrugged my arm off.<br />
<br />
"Um, did you <u>really</u> just push me away?" I asked him, incredulous.<br />
<br />
"I just don't want you to get the wrong idea, man," he replied.<br />
<br />
The sunny boy-girl melodies reached a crescendo. Words fell. I explained to Steven exactly what I thought of him for a good few minutes, while he stood there looking at me. His face's arrogant quality (not an arrogance purely his own, but merely the arrogance of any 25-year-old) faltered a bit. As I methodically spoke my awful, awful sentences about his character, I could see a thought dawning on his face: <i>Maybe ... I am not who I think I am</i>. I'm sure my attack was a complete surprise. I played a passive role in our relationship - whatever he wanted to do, I would do. Even (shudder) in bed. I'm sure he had no inkling of the mild hatred I harbored towards him, the mild hatred I harbor toward anyone I sleep with, lurking under the surface like a cyst.<br />
<br />
No matter! When one pushes a Scorpio away, one must prepare oneself for a retaliation totally out of proportion to the initial slight. As I rode home alone in a cab that night, I thought how strange it was that sometimes I forget how frighteningly mean I can be. But then I start dating again.Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-52670308377552855482013-12-14T13:45:00.001-08:002013-12-14T13:45:30.594-08:00Lonsdale<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqi7tK61OrF97IIpF6VOHtj55ruTNVnatLqO4lt1Ezp0WDFlA2Z3-5qHhl793bNvVPGFrxrHcApt0T1yBYGkeB_rrR4-OwZSgjr_KaVRWgJIeVrjDMV-wApLm41ycygN0fDitPGcfserg/s1600/photo-23.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqi7tK61OrF97IIpF6VOHtj55ruTNVnatLqO4lt1Ezp0WDFlA2Z3-5qHhl793bNvVPGFrxrHcApt0T1yBYGkeB_rrR4-OwZSgjr_KaVRWgJIeVrjDMV-wApLm41ycygN0fDitPGcfserg/s320/photo-23.JPG" width="240" /></a>After visiting a friend one evening in the East Village, I stopped by a restaurant and sat at the bar to order a solo meal and read my book. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed an attractive young lad looking at me intently. Eventually, I glanced in his direction and he came over to talk. Immediately, I noticed his very strong London accent, and I thought what I thought about that.<br />
<br />
"Are you enjoying the music?" he asked, smiling.<br />
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"I guess," I replied. "Mostly just trying to read."<br />
<br />
"How," he asked, "can you read while the Beatles are playing?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, I'm not a tremendous fan of the Beatles, although I do like 'Paperback Writer.'"<br />
<br />
"What?!" He seemed incredulous. "Well, can you at least admit that British music is the best? British <i>everything</i> is the best. I mean, the Beatles! The Rolling Stones!"<br />
<br />
"Well," I replied sensibly, "there would have been no Rollings Stones without Muddy Waters, and there would have been no Beatles without Chuck Berry. I can appreciate that the Rolling Stones mixed elements of American blues music with elements of American rock 'n' roll and got some interesting songs out of it, but I'd say that their music was a synthesis of what other people had already created."<br />
<br />
The cute London man glared at me with great pathos.<br />
<br />
"Why," he asked, "are you so anti-British?"<br />
<br />
"I'm from Antigua," I replied.<br />
<br />
"Oh!" He brightened. "Do you know who the greatest Antiguan ever was?"<br />
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"J. Rowan Henry," I said.<br />
<br />
"Who?"<br />
<br />
I began to describe some of my late father's activism as head of the Labour movement in Antigua, activism that eventually led to Antigua's independence from Britain and would have meant he would have been overwhelmingly elected as its first President. Until, of course, his untimely demise ...<br />
<br />
"Oh, no," he said, dismissively. "The greatest Antiguan is Viv Richards," and then he walked back over to chat with his friend.<br />
<br />
I sort of smiled at this exchange, but I gamely googled Viv Richards and saw that he was a cricket player. Immediately realizing that the London fellow was insane, I literally picked up my plate and walked to the other end of the bar, completely out of sight of the young man. But about five minutes later, he found me.<br />
<br />
"Did you google Viv Richards?"<br />
<br />
"Yes. That's why I moved over here."<br />
<br />
"Oh, why, because he was an athlete?"<br />
<br />
"I suppose."<br />
<br />
He snorted with disgust and left me again. I hurriedly paid for my dinner and left the restaurant. Unfortunately, he was outside smoking with his friend.<br />
<br />
"<i>You</i>," he said. "What do you have against the British?"<br />
<br />
"Um, because they're usually people like you. People who have never even <i>visited </i>Antigua, but who try to tell me who the greatest Antiguan was. I was born there. My family lives there. I've read dozens of books about the island. And I'm <i>certainly...</i>" (here's where I jumped the shark!) "...not going to stand here and listen to some <i>youth</i> of a country that oppressed my ancestors..."<br />
<br />
"You know what?" he said. "Fuck you! Just ... just fuck you!"<br />
<br />
I was going to say, <i>Ah, some of that legendary British wit! </i>But I wisely kept my own counsel, especially since his friend had at that point had to restrain him from physically attacking me. I walked home, burning with the shame of letting some drunkard get me angry.<br />
<br />
In my adulthood, I've had to do serious work around my prejudice against British people, along with people of other ... groups. A sane person shouldn't be prejudiced against anyone - or, at least, they should not reveal their own stupidity by discussing it in public. Two of my own authors, the amazing Caitlin Moran and Simon Van Booy, have taught me that British people can be cool, and kind, and down-to-earth, and incredibly smart. (Smarter - shocker! - than even me). It's a wonder it took me so long to learn such an obvious, elementary lesson: <i>all people from a country do not act the same</i>. Why did I spew such vitriol against this dolt?<br />
<br />
In my adulthood, my anger towards the British led me to eschew certain fashion labels. I turned up my nose at Penguin, at Paul Smith, at Burton. I made an exception for Burberry in the 90s because I was highly amused by how American rappers had appropriated the brand as a symbol of excess. They lampooned it, even though the joke quickly became real and now, I think, that joke is on the young people of today, who listen to this materialistic music and grow angry that they do not have Louboutins and Cristal. I love the semiotics of clothing choices.<br />
<br />
Long story short: I saw these briefs on a model on L'Internet. They're from Lonsdale, a British sporting goods company. So I ordered them and they arrived looking, ahem, a little skimpier than they were depicted on the site. No matter! I made my 30 euro purchase, and now that night, that unfortunate blip on my evolution towards enlightenment, has been absolved. Observe! <i>The power of fashion. </i>Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816103233611216945.post-1125079586165637722013-12-14T12:50:00.001-08:002013-12-14T12:50:50.026-08:00Toggle coat<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvhFxgvtdr7mz6hgBnXaazlAts5Hr1Uc8BrhxWC36miRMWPndfA49mEqJUNjTLapaJy-usDyhV1yM2yaL-FmZ5qBG4DNi9Vmxm6EMIdkz78SCkyHXatlYJBEXkpXxwdcgI7tosWRI5VWU/s1600/photo-22.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvhFxgvtdr7mz6hgBnXaazlAts5Hr1Uc8BrhxWC36miRMWPndfA49mEqJUNjTLapaJy-usDyhV1yM2yaL-FmZ5qBG4DNi9Vmxm6EMIdkz78SCkyHXatlYJBEXkpXxwdcgI7tosWRI5VWU/s320/photo-22.JPG" width="240" /></a>I went to 192 Books to hear a reading by Hilton Als, one of my new favorite writers. I had interviewed him over the phone a few weeks before for Bookforum.com, and I had asked him some pretty semi-intense questions and was satisfied with the outcome. His collection <i>White Girls</i> is a book of essays - supposedly non-fiction - but it was clear to me that he bent the truth a little bit in some of them, quite purposefully. I was fascinated to read these essays, and they made me wonder why my own non-fiction is so rigidly literal. The questions I asked him in the interview were meant to explore the idea of fiction/non-fiction - and they were also meant to provoke Hilton a little bit, just as his essays are meant to provoke the reader. I think I succeeded.<br />
<br />
I used to bend the truth quite a bit, as a child. My lying to my family got so bad that they eventually learned to assume everything I said was a lie. There was, I found, a certain joyless freedom in that. And then there was my experiment with telling only the truth, somewhere between my senior year in high school and my first year of college. Needless to say, neither phase won me many admirers. Even today, certain people see me as being a little too blunt at times, mostly people at work. Ah, but, certain people, I am merely a harmless eccentric ...<br />
<br />
I predict that my next few non-fiction pieces will stretch the truth a bit. Okay, my next two pieces. Here I am with Hilton, wearing some sort of toggle coat from Cole Haan and a button up shirt from Shirts by AG. What a glassy, somewhat sinister look my eyes have in this photo. I am going to assume that's because of the flash. Hilton is looking askance in the picture, as if to imply a sense of wariness with me standing a little behind him. You have nothing to fear from me, Hilton Als! I am merely a harmless eccentric ...<br />
<br />Gee Henryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02199145584730090488noreply@blogger.com0